I am Santa Claus and, for once, I am going to break with tradition this year and get a few things off my chest. As the parents of the children who receive my gifts every year, I was hoping you could tell me what you think about some ideas I have.
I thought that maybe one of these years I could have a day off on Christmas. We could give it back to the child whose birthday we are supposed to be celebrating. I wouldn’t mind having a different day. Maybe a warmer day? In July, perhaps?
Okay, maybe that’s asking too much. I didn’t consider all the songs that would have to be changed if, rather than coming on a sleigh in a furry red suit and snow boots, Santa came on a surfboard in Bermuda shorts. I can continue to come in the winter with a few changes:
First, I need to pimp out my ride. I need a sleigh cab with central heat and a hot chocolate dispenser. Also, Mrs. Claus has patched up my red suit so many times I look like a Siberian refugee. So, I was thinking, how ‘bout you all pitch in and buy me a new set of threads? I was thinking maybe a forest green insulated tuxedo. What do you think? I could switch to a lime green silk smoking jacket when I get to the tropics. Speaking of the tropics, would it be too much to ask for a tropical vacation for me and the Mrs., after I do my job? Maybe I wouldn’t get so much flack from my wife for working so many hours if I could promise her a vacation somewhere warm.
Speaking of warm, my wife wants a hot tub for Christmas. Those are pretty hard to come by in the North Pole. I asked my elves to see what they could do, but the best they could come up with was a cross between a Malibu Barbie pool and a coffee maker. Instead of milk and cookies, maybe one of you can put a hot tub out for me to take home. Make sure there is a big bow on it, though, otherwise she’ll think I stole it.
About that milk and cookies: I want to know which one of you started the rumor that I like milk and cookies? When I find out who you are, you are getting nothing but Barry Manilow CD’s in your stocking for the next 50 years! Just once I’d like to see a fifth of vodka and a bag of beef jerky waiting for me. I’d even settle for roast beef and mashed potatoes. You can skip the corn on the cob, though. It gets stuck in my beard and the reindeer will want to nibble.
They like the carrots that some of you put out for them, but they’d move a lot faster for me if you gave them jalapeno peppers. That’s like high octane fuel for reindeer. Riding behind them after they’ve eaten jalapeno peppers isn’t necessarily safe, though. Processed through a reindeer, jalapenos are highly combustible. If their hooves nick the metal harness, flames shoot out their rear. Comet is particularly susceptible. Another reason I could use a cab on my sleigh.
Those reindeer will eat just about anything, though. They are not picky. If you wondered why Rudolph’s nose was shiny, it’s because I left my vodka out in the barn. I would have let Lawrence come that night if it weren’t for the fog. Lawrence is Cupid’s son. He has separation anxiety and his stall was knee-deep in reindeer crap when we got back. I made Rudolph clean it up.
If you ever consider getting anything for me for Christmas, here is my list: A beard trimmer. (Mrs. Claus thinks if I trimmed my beard, I would look just like Brad Pitt.) Power tools. (The elves have requested this.)
Flat screen TV and a Blu-ray player. (Do I need a reason?) A bathing suit. (For the tropical vacation.) Oh… and world peace.