Clark Howard, CNN’s Money Coach, will tell you that too many credit card charges can put you into debt. He is undoubtedly correct.
However, if you own a card that awards airline miles for every dollar charged, you can be in debt and go to Hawaii!
Every program goes by a different name, but they are all pretty amazing because you can get free airline tickets to anywhere in the world! After cashing in enough Amazing Miles to buy my own squadron of aircraft, I now consider myself to be well-versed in the exercise.
It really is a good deal. I am going to get to Hawaii, but there are some drawbacks. For one thing, you have to go when they have room available, not when you want to go. Holidays are no-nos, weekends are impossible. It’s kind of like being assigned to steerage on a cruise ship. At least that is what I am anticipating.
My kids have only flown on an airplane once, so they were looking forward to peering out the window as we winged our way to Hawaii. As it turns out, people who do not actually pay for a ticket do not get to look out the window.
No doubt this is the first of many surprises awaiting the Amazing Miles participant.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are ready to start boarding the plane. We will board in the following order:
Our First Class passengers are first – you know, those people who have paid extra to be treated better than the rest of you schmucks.
Physically and mentally handicapped people are next because it would be bad form to make the slow pokes get on last.
Next is Coach (the schmucks),
Domesticated farm animals,
Anyone in handcuffs or leg shackles,
And least, I mean last, our Amazing Miles freeloaders.”
I don’t intend to complain as long as they get me and my family to Hawaii safely. However, based on the seating arrangements, I am beginning to think that might be asking too much.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts as we prepare to leave the terminal. In the event that the plane refuses to budge, we will require our Amazing Miles guests to get out and push. All others may remain seated while our flight attendants serve hot coffee and donuts to make your wait more pleasant.
Please be advised that the really fast Amazing Miles people might be able to catch the flight anyway if they can manage to tether themselves to the axles before we take off. Your pilots will make every effort to ensure that this does not happen as it may muck up our landing gear. Not to mention the complaints from the ground crew when they have to peel the muck…er… the little rascals… off the runway.”
Wow. That’s harsh.
“Please direct your attention to the emergency exits, there and there. We don’t anticipate a need for them. However, should we hit a rough patch, we will start tossing Amazing Miles passengers until the plane stabilizes.”
Should I start worrying now?
“In the event of a water landing, your seat will function as a floatation device. To minimize overcrowding at the emergency exits and save rescue resources, Amazing Miles seats will function as a rock.”
She’s kidding, right?
“If cabin pressure drops, oxygen masks will drop out of the ceiling. Please place it on your face first before tending to small children. Amazing Miles people: Don’t bother. There is no oxygen piped to those seats. The masks are only there to give you a false sense of security. You have no hope of survival.”
“Once we reach cruising altitude, your flight attendants will take your orders for a light meal and beverage. For our Amazing Miles passengers, we have carefully scraped yesterday’s leftovers into a Hefty bag, which you are free to pick through. You will also receive a Dixie cup of water per row and a handful of straws; compliments of the flight crew.”
“We’d like to welcome you aboard Flight 666 and we hope you have a pleasant flight. To our Amazing Miles cheapskates: Good luck…”
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author & speaker. You can reach Laura at email@example.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info.
Laura is a syndicated columnist, author, & speaker. You can reach Laura at firstname.lastname@example.org Or visit her website <a
for more info.